PEACE of Mind

Journal, Life, mental illness, journal

The second my eyes open, the rusty wheels begins to turn with a slow, agonizing Creek. The piercing sound, a painful reminder that another long day is ahead of me. Another battle, another sunrise waiting in anticipation only for it to set. Then, I crawl back to hideaway, my safty, deep behind my lids, back to where everything is nothing.  The one place i can escape from myself.  Where i can catch my breath, relax every tired muscle in my body and wrap myself in the warmth of silence. For what just feels like a brief moment in time, everything is shut off. Lights out, the last chatter of worried thoughts fade.
Without a mute button. A pause, EVERY DECISION, every choice seconed guessed, third guessed, forth guessed…. Makes it hard to get through my day with a sense of satisfaction. So, I sit wrapped up in guilt, a familier feeling always lingering above me like a dark cloud. A nagging emotion that I am constantly feeling the need to make up for. Only no amount of of giving or doing, undoing,  changing, rearanging will take it away.  I will still never give up the endless effort of trying .
I beg to get out of myself. I beg for just a little PEACE of mind.

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ONCE WE’RE OLD

aging, Journal, Life

Surfacing slowly, from abstract to defined,
Pieces are fitting, matching up with perfect time,
Memories tangible, once solid as they stand,
Now fight to hold on, but fall like quick sand,
Pieces of me Although faded and bent,
leave memories like scars, of paths we once went,
Desperate to feel time, moments I carrie,
Digging out the deepest I tried to bury,
Matching the pieces, like the puzzle we are,
Connecting the dots that got us this far,
fighting the focus, blurred to make right,
From years of crossing my eyes to distort the sight,
Letting my fingers feel and touch every scar,
Remembering each memory that led me this far,
My marks like engravings, a time I once knew,
Moments kept with me, for proof that I grew,
So here before me a mirror and my reflection,
Only this time admiring imperfection,
Disappointment no option, once nothing to fear,
Accepting the beauty that comes with each year,
Past moulds us makes us beautifly unique,
Blessing in disguise lay mistakes we must keep,
Our past define us, let a story be told,
Into wisdom we trust understood once we are old

SCARED TO DEATH

Journal

My thoughts hang over my days like a dark cloud I can’t escape
Me and My excessive over empathy only adds to the pain. Plus the additional pain of every other person in my life.
I go through life, Eyes glues open forced to face each countless pain that awaits me.
My fear of loss, tragedy, failure are completely overpowering and debilitating . I can’t avoid or predicate when or who or what will happen in my future. The fact that it is realistic and inevitable that something will happen at some point to someone I love, makes me feel completely hopeless. I wish I could not see this coming, I wish i could ignor it, that I’m was oblivious to the future. Blind to the reality of life.
I wonder if these thoughts that torture me everyday (the waiting game) are actually worse than the event itself? Why does it feel like nobody else is terrified, when everyone knows it’s part of their future? Why can I not let it go? Forget it for a while and enjoy my life in the moment?
We age and time passes in front of us. Before we think to stop and take a deep look, or get to enjoy it, feel it, take this moment in. Time gets in the way and steals it from us. When we realize this, its already gone. Our youth our energy, our moment, out life.
Life is full of amazing moments and amazing people. I do feel very blessed to be surrounded by so much beauty in my life.
These people I feel so deeply about. I could not imagine pain in any one of their lives.
I hurt for my loved ones when they hurt. The more I love, the more I feel, the more I hurt.
The meaningful moments that happen within our lives are already crushed by the terrible thoughts that i know will devastatingly unbearable.
My thoughts that tainted any love and enjoyment , any precious memories and happy times. Like a tease. It pains me to think, is this as good as it will get?
At the end of the day. Sadness will outshine all other happiness, aswell as our positive feelings and emotions.
I’m scared. Im scared of life, I’m scared of waiting, I’m scared of being completly fucking happy. Im scared to Love. I know it will be a steep fall from that height.

FOOL IN LOVE

Journal

I love you when you let me,
I tell you when I can,
I wish I could let myself go without looking back,
Without my foot hovering over the breaks.
I can’t remember the last time I allowed myself to blindlessly, freely match my heart with my mind,
My feelings with my words,
My life with its meanings.
The fullness that comes with thinking.

Thinking about, what I’m thinking about, before I let myself think about it.

You are lucky.

I am everything I want in a someone.
Just left unconditionally open, accepting, waiting, waiting and waiting…
MY THOUGHTS KICK in, and interrupt my heart, that stop myself, before I lose myself, watching me lose myself….again

JUST BREATH

Journal

Shifting gears into auto pilot ,

Taking in this weightless glide,

Allowing my thought to freely roam,

Without tying them down deep inside,

Follow the feel, let my body embrace,

Flow with beat, swallow the taste,

LIds cover my vision to invite hidden scent,

Blow away fog, once walls of cement,

Stretch my arms to let endless inhale,

Notice each silent forgotten detail,

Relax my jaw, my shoulders let follow,

Exhaling the heaviness attached with tomorrow,

Absorbing each colour, left ignored and unfed,

While weights of life’s clutter I promise to shed

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

Journal, Life, poem

Finally this moment I’ve been waiting for,  silence just me and my thoughts,
Trying to untangle the messed up bits, my life has tied in knots,
With the speed of this ride, my conscience blurred,  once see in perfect sight,
While the heat of the moment straps me in, held down for the flight,
One day got life figured out, than tomorrow feels so different,
Standing strong and true to my heart, next discovering all that isn’t,
Chaos running, stomach sick, defeated thoughts, that won’t  back down,
Fooling myself with a calm, cool reflection, when deeper I’m scarred with a frown,
The devil one shoulder (the hate you love), against the angel that fights to outshine,
Clouds rolling in the darkness, blurred the direction I can’t define,
Humming loudly with Fingers in ears, to keep out all my thoughts,
Desperately searching for tool I need to connect all the dots,
Longing for a silence, like a breath of fresh air, music to my ears,
Searching for the voice inside to scare away  my fears,
Hope fading, faster than the light on the other side,
Ignoring neon colours, my lids will try to hide,
Nights darkness settles in, craving the colors that I shed,
I’m always one step ahead of myself, like hunger that’s never fed,
Time my savior, strips me bare, relieving shoulders tired heavy and dense,
All I left reveal, is simple common sense,
I finally surrender myself, giving in to what I’ve always known,
To find out what I’ve been searching for, imperfection is mine to own

 I sit here staring blankly at the lifeless white screen before me

Finally…

 the familiar bitter sweet taste of  blue pills  mildly starting to form at the back of my throat.

Once again feeling the strong  passionate urge
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 to fill this page with my busy, sometimes beautiful mind.

But...

 Once again defeated with the discouragement

 that stops me every time.

Journal

Once was Lost

aging, Journal, Life, mental illness, journal, poem

image

Finally moving on along lifes path, creating new steps along my way
Distance must feel me fading, while hopes light guides my way
Never glance back upon dark travelled roads.

Self-forgiveness reassure my doubt, light revives my soul.
Beauty forgotten lost in time, hidden among fog and cold

Pull yourself out through the forgotten parts inside,
Along with every worried face, now swallow down your pride,
My conscious, my guilt saves my spirit, turned my direction home
Among confusion, found the perfect fit for me to owned
With every breath i took, satisfied  in what I thought
From a perspective  grew a wisdom that cant be taught

With a new piece of myself I know will be close kept

enhansing importance i Inhaling  beauty impossible to forget

With promises to rise me up,i  gained  backbone through my pride
allowed once to trade in for emptiness a hollow made inside
I will wake up each morning to appreciate my day
Inhale todays scent than exhale it all away
Out with toxins energy, ignite todays new glow
Radiating through every limb, then slowly let it go.
With every worry, every darkness and guilt shamed face
Shredding every memory my past will not erase

Your once shamed words, mistakes you never wish away
Creates bittersweet wisdom,  carried always in my day,
Happiness is finding yourself, loving every imperfection, accepting every flaw
insecurities and difference, define who we are.
When you feel your confidence rise, inner beauty shining through
Carry yourself with that positive glow, that will always follows you.

 

HELP!!!!!

Uncategorized

Help me I’m falling, I’m falling so fast,

To far I give up from numbing my past,

Give me a hand,  please  cushion my fall,

Can you still hear my voice, Will you answer my call?

Too weak to go on, pains me to think

If you hear me at all, I’m ready to sink

If I plug my ears and squint shut my eyes,

Will you pick up my mess and undo all my lies

“Can you lift me back up to where I once stood?

“IM BEGGING you PLEASE,  For you, I would

IS ANYONE OUT THERE? DOES ANYONE CARE?

TOO late now, giving up, Im too much to bear

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